Fathered By God Book Review

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Introduction

We all yearn for a sort of guidebook as we navigate through life. I’ve always wondered why is it that men between the ages of 20 and 30 experience the most tumultuous phase of their lives, marked by confusion, anger, and loneliness. In delving into why this period is especially challenging for men, I've concluded: that deep down, men feel a fundamental expectation to be the heads of households. There's a certain weight they carry or will carry in the future. It's ingrained in their psyche that they are expected to be the primary providers for their families. 

All men must navigate through this phase. While this was my theory, I recognized certain gaps and pitfalls in my theory. John Eldredge's book aided in filling the gaps in my understanding. Although Eldredge is not a psychologist, he is a counselor and a teacher. Early in the book, he clarifies that it's not a clinical psychology guide but rather a map that traces the journey of masculinity. This revelation was the absent element in my theory—the lack of guidance for men.

Summary

John Eldredge proposes that there are 6 phases that a man must go through which are boyhood, cowboy, warrior, lover, king, and sage. 

Boyhood is a critical stage. Eldredge emphasized that boys must be fathered. This means that they crave affirmation from their fathers, and they must be taught how to be men. Oftentimes, young men remember certain skills that their fathers taught them such as how to work on their cars, camping, sports, etc. When there is a lack of this passage of skill, from father to son, it causes damage to the psyche and a rift in the relationship. 

Eldredge talks about father figures filling that role, even if it’s for just a moment in one’s life. He also refers to learning from a book from a good author full of wisdom, much like what he is trying to do for men. In my view, in current society that fatherly figure is Jordan Peterson. Another one that people can/should learn from is Marcus Aulerius. And of course, learning from the Word of our Heavenly Father is equally important. 

Analysis and Evaluation

John Eldredge’s writing style makes the content very easy to read. There were a few moments where I drifted off and didn’t understand what I was reading, but this is more of a problem with me. Camping and hiking and mountain climbing are things that I can’t relate to, and so when Eldredge spent pages sharing these experiences, I couldn’t follow. For those that have some relationship with these tasks, they will be more engaged and be able to understand these experiences. 

Some chapters were better than others. The first chapter “The Masculine Journey” was the perfect start to the book. It set my heart on fire and spoke to my soul. The second chapter, however, was a tough act to follow and dropped off this high. The author can combine these two into a single chapter, as there was some repetition between the two. 

Boyhood

The chapter on Boyhood was very well written. The author drove home the point that men needed to be fathered. He outlined the high points in his relationship with his father, and also the low points. I appreciate John Eldridge’s openness to share personal experiences, even if I couldn’t relate to all of them. Often these sorts of books become dry when they lack that personal touch. This is not true. There were moments when Eldridge drove home a point and I had an “aha” moment. One of the biggest takeaways from this chapter was just how critical this stage was, and certain things can occur that mess men up in later stages of their lives. One of these is telling a young boy “You’re the man of the house now.” While this statement is often romanticized in film, in real life it is not good for the development of a young man. 

Cowboy

The chapter on the cowboy stage was a bit dragging for me. Once again, this was where many of the author's experiences were written out relating to hiking and adventure. I wished that there was some emphasis on other sports. Just mentioning the idea that engaging in sports other than going out into the woods can also help men with this stage would have been helpful. 

For me, I believe my cowboy stage was fulfilled when I joined Karate at age 13. It saved my life. Ages between 12 and 14 were very difficult for me. At age 14, I wrote bad poetry at school which got me in trouble. This was around the time of Columbine so all schools were on high alert. Further bad writing got me in trouble at school to the point where I was banned until I had a sign-off from a psychologist that I could return to school. 

Before this point, I had a lot of issues with my father, but this situation saw that my father was there for me when he took the day off from work to attend a meeting with me with the district counselor, principal, and several other people. My dad supported me, telling them there was nothing wrong with me, and even took me to a psychologist who also analyzed me, all on the same day. It was a rough time, but it showed that my father was there to protect me. This didn’t completely resolve our issues, but it did make me feel closer to him. 

As you are reading this book, you will trigger certain memories and be able to relate to the words on the page 

Warrior

I enjoyed this chapter, as it helps you understand the change in your psyche at the start of your kingdom-building, so to speak. We are told (or at least I was told) that our life path is: to do good in school, get into a good college, have a good career, get married, and start a family. 

But you’re not taught the in-between. How do you transition from being a student to being a worker? What does having a good career mean? These are questions we’re not taught. To be a warrior means that you face all these challenges, and are not afraid to face all these challenges. Most importantly though, a warrior tries and is not afraid to resist the devil. 

This is the period when a man learns to persevere. It’s what our society calls the “grind.” For me, it was traveling nearly 4 hours to work and back. A daily 4-hour commute in the NYC subway sucks and molds you in a particular way. People don’t understand just how much drive you need to do that. It’s hard to just show up.

Lover

This chapter, uncomfortable for me, delves into the connection between being a Lover and the love of God, drawing from the Song of Solomon. He emphasizes the importance of men embracing roles as poets, artists, and writers, often suppressed pursuits. Personally, my father discouraged my writing focus for professional development. The essence here is for men to avoid suppressing their emotional and artistic side. In relationships and life, it's crucial to go beyond pure logic. Art serves as a medium for expressing nuances that defy black-and-white understanding. History showcases influential male artists, like Michelangelo and Marcus Aurelius, the latter a warrior-poet. Writing and art offer a timeless legacy, immortalizing lessons for future generations. An example of this is when I wrote a letter to my daughter upon her birth. 

The only drawback of this chapter is that I wish that John Eldridge had spent more time focusing on how much love, specifically getting married and maintaining that relationship, has on the life of a man. Suddenly he has something to fight for and is now able to achieve more in his life because of this reason. He doesn’t want to lose what he has, and so in this way being a warrior and lover is intertwined. Because he loves his family, he fights. On the flip side, Eldridge should have included just how bad things can go if a man allows a bad woman to enter into his life. The Bible captures this idea through the character of Jezebel. 

King

I enjoyed this chapter, especially the reference to Adam and Eve. Adam is shown as being the king of his domain—the garden—yet he did nothing when Satan tempted Eve. It serves as a stark illustration of the consequences when a man remains passive. The chapter emphasizes that a man has a kingdom to defend—his family, his flock, his team, his business, his property, his wealth—and if he takes no action, he stands to lose it all. The author underscores the idea that before a man can assume the role of a king, his character must be forged, underscoring the significance of the cowboy, warrior, and lover stages.

I appreciate how Eldridge weaves in books and movies to illustrate that men in various stories undergo these same stages. Although not a big fan of Lord of the Rings, the reader is reminded of other stories, such as Rocky. In the first movie, despite Rocky Balboa's defeat, he fights tenaciously to the end, reflecting on his years as a cowboy, lost without a father, and how Micky becomes a father figure, transforming him into a warrior. While it takes until the second and third films for Rocky to become a king, the beauty of the saga, extending to Creed 1, lies in the journey where Rocky Balboa ultimately assumes the mantle of a sage.

Sage

This was a bit of a dragging chapter as well, as the author went into his experience of climbing and hiking. I understood the point which is that we all must shift from being Kings and being a Sage. This is also why having children is very important, in my opinion. You want to be able to pass on all this knowledge that you have accumulated to the next generation. If you do not have children on your own, you must be able to transfer this knowledge you have, or you will feel unfulfilled. This isn’t the time to head off to Florida and isolate yourself, as John Eldridge states in so many words. I am also reminded of how Jordan Peterson, acts as a sage to so many young men, although he hasn’t peaked yet and fully transitioned from a King to a Sage, although he is getting very close. The Sage is very humble and does not brag about his experiences. He is there, ready to teach when the warrior is ready, much like when Micky shows up when Rocky is given the offer of the fight of his life. 

Conclusion

Overall, this book is excellent, and I recommend it to all men. It serves as a comprehensive guide through various phases of life, addressing many questions that arise along the way. It even helped me tackle the perplexing issue of why so many men face challenges between the ages of 20 to 30.

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